Back on October 26, 2011, the Carl F.H. Henry Center (located on the Trinity Evangelical Divinity School campus) hosted Alistair Begg, pastor of Parkside Church in Cleveland, Ohio where he presented a message entitled, “Inadequacy: The Surprising Secret to Being Useful to God.”
The day following the lecture, Hans Madueme and Pastor Stephen Farish interviewed Begg.
Complementarian Decision-Making as a Couple
In this and some of the key distortions that need to be avoided:
In our own marriage, Margaret and I talk frequently and at length about many decisions. I can tell you that I wouldn’t be here tonight unless Margaret and I had talked about this and asked the Lord about it, and she had given blessing to it, and said, “Yes, I think that’s right.” Sometimes we make large decisions such as buying a house or a car, and sometimes they are small decisions like where we should go for a walk together. I often defer to Margaret’s wishes, and she often defers to mine because we love each other.
In almost every case, each of us has some wisdom and insight that the other does not have. Usually, we reach agreement on the decisions that we make. Very seldom will I do something that she doesn’t think is wise–I didn’t say never. She prays; she trusts God; she loves God. She is sensitive to God’s leading and direction, but in every decision, whether it large or small and whether we have reached agreement or not, the responsibility to make the decision still rests with me.
Now, I am not talking about every decision they make individually. Margaret controls a much larger portion of our budget than I do because all the things having to do with the household and food and clothing and house expenses and everything . . . she writes the checks and pays the bills. I take care of buying books and some things about the car. I have appointments during the day with students. She doesn’t get involved in that. She has her own appointments. She has her own calendar. I don’t get involved in trying to micromanage all of that. We have distinct areas of responsibility. I am not talking about those things. I don’t get involved in those things unless she asks my counsel.
But in every decision that we make that affects us together or affects our family, the responsibility to make the decision rests with me. If there is genuine male headship, I believe there is a quiet acknowledgement that the focus of the decision making process is the husband, not the wife. Even though there will often be much discussion and there should be mutual respect and consideration of each other, ultimately the responsibility to make the decision rests with the husband. And so, in our marriage the responsibility to make the decision rests with me.
This is not because I am a wiser or more gifted leader. It is because I am the husband. God has given me that responsibility. It is very good. It brings peace and joy to our marriage, and both Margaret and I are thankful for it. Now, I need to add very quickly, men, this does not mean that a husband has the right to be a selfish leader.
(1) There’s been something of a delay at the printers but the good news is that my new book “Twelve What Abouts” should start shipping out within the next week. It is 160 pages (longer than people thought it might be) in its paperback edition. You can order it at the pre-publication sale price at the link to the right.
(2) “Satan tempts not whom he will but when God pleases. We find Christ was not led by an evil spirit into the wilderness to be tempted, but by the Holy Spirit (Matt. 4:1). And the same Holy Spirit which led Christ into the field of temptation, brought Him off with victory. Therefore we find Him marching into Galilee in the power of the Holy Spirit, after He had repulsed Satan (Luke 4:14). When Satan tempts a saint, he is only serving as God’s messenger. Paul called his thorn in the flesh, “the messenger of Satan” (II Cor. 12:7), implying that the messenger was sent of God to Paul. The devil never meant to do Paul such a service, but God sends him to Paul to accomplish His own purpose. The devil and his instruments are both God’s instruments; therefore let God alone to wield the one and handle the other.
Let the devil choose his way. God is a match for him at every weapon. If he assaults the saints by persecution, as the Lord of hosts, God will oppose him. If Satan works by a subtlety, God is ready there, also. The devil and his whole council are but fools to God. The more wit and art in sin, the worse, because it is employed against an all-wise god who cannot be outwitted. “The foolishness of God is wiser than men” (I Cor. 1:25). God is wiser in a weak sermon, than Satan is in his deep plots; wiser in His simple one, than Satan in his Ahithophels and Sanballats. “He disappointeth the devices of the crafty” (Job 5:12). God, by displaying His wisdom in the pursuit of the saints’ enemies, adds a sweet relish to their deliverance at last. After He had hunted Pharaoh out of all his lairs and burrows, He broke the very brains of all his plots and served him up to His people, as a display of His wisdom and power.” – William Gurnall (Puritan writer, died 1679)
(3) “What is needed is something that cannot be explained in human terms. What is needed is something that is so striking and so signal that it will arrest the attention of the whole world. That is revival.
Now we of ourselves can never do anything like that. We can do a great deal, and we should do all we can. We can preach the truth, we can defend it, we can indulge in our apologetics, we can organize our campaigns, we can try to present a great front to the world. But you know, it does not impress the world. It leaves the world where it was. The need is for something which will be so overwhelming, so divine, so unusual that it will arrest the attention of the world . . . .
‘Authenticate thy word. Lord God, let it be known, let it be known beyond a doubt, that we are thy people. Shake us!’ I do not ask him to shake the building, but I ask him to shake us. I ask him to do something that is so amazing, so astounding, so divine, that the whole world shall be compelled to look on and say, ‘What is this?’ as they said on the day of Pentecost.”
– Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Revival (Westchester, 1987), pages 183-185
(4) Once again, Ligonier has some excellent deals on right now in this week’s $5 Friday sale. I particularly recommend the audio book of The Truth of the Cross by R.C. Sproul (perhaps think about getting more than one as they make great gifts for Easter) as well as the “Evangelism According to Jesus” 2008 National Conference series download. Check out the $5 Ligonier sale here.