Article: A Pastor’s Reflections: Like a Marriage by J. V. Fesko (original source here)

It seems like far too many people treat relationships of all sorts as being disposable. As soon as they hit a rough patch of any sort they decide to pull up stakes, move on, and find a new relationship. This is especially the case, I believe, when it comes to church membership. Rather than viewing one’s church membership as something closer to a marriage, they treat their membership like a health club. When the church does not meet their expectations, they start looking for the door. In this vein I think many in the church look at their membership with a product consumer’s mentality. The membership is all about receiving benefits and service.

As common as such thinking might be, our attitude towards church membership should be closer to a marriage relationship than a health club membership. A marriage is supposed to be nearly unbreakable. The Bible gives very few legitimate reasons for breaking a marriage vow. The words, “till death do us part,” captures the nearly unbreakable bonds of marriage. Now while church membership is not a marriage, we should nevertheless treat our membership vows like a marriage vow. In other words, just because we hit a rough patch should not mean that we immediately look for the door.

When we find ourselves in difficult circumstances, the first question we should ask is, “Does my church still exhibit the three marks?” In other words, does it still preach the gospel, rightly administer the sacraments, and perform church discipline?

If our answer is, yes, then chances are we don’t have a really good reason for leaving. Intra-personal conflicts, for example, might make us uncomfortable, but they don’t rise to the level of legitimate biblical grounds for leaving a church. When we find ourselves in a difficult spot, our first response should be prayer—we should pray that the Lord would help us figure things out and bring reconciliation.

If we always leave a church the moment we have conflicts, then we’ll never give ourselves the relational space to mend broken relationships. Mending broken relationships, I believe, is like mending a broken bone—the relationship will often come out stronger. Do you feel like your church is no longer serving you? It might be that it’s not time to leave but time for you to roll up your sleeves, look around, and find out how you can serve others in your church. All too often people think that the church is for their own benefit rather than an opportunity for them to serve others. In other words, how can you make your church a better place through your own sacrificial service?

How much does the world shape the church? How does the mentality of disposability affect our attitudes? In one egregious example I remember listening to someone list more than a dozen churches where she had been a member over the course of forty years despite the fact that she had lived in the same home for that same period of time. It was a very sad testimony, to say the least. My hope and prayer is that we would think twice before we leave a church.

Instead of running for the door we should drop to our knees in prayer and figure out how we might serve our brothers and sisters around us. Instead of leaving because of difficult relationships, our hope should be to strengthen our friendships in spite of whatever challenges we face. In the end, this all amounts to seeking to show the love of Christ to the church.

Article by Scott Daniel, pastor of Grace Bible Church in Holden, Maine – Original source here

It doesn’t get more nerve-wracking than flying with young children. Now let’s imagine you’re on a flight with your fussy two year old and, right before takeoff, the flight attendant comes over to inform you that you and your daughter will have to switch seats. You would probably assume this “request” was due to your daughter’s bad behavior—and so you might find yourself getting defensive: “Mrs. Flight Attendant, I understand why you want us to move, but she’s just had a long day and she’s only two and a half, and I really think she’s going to calm down once we’re in the air.”

But imagine she stops you mid-sentence and says, “Oh, it doesn’t have anything to do with that. You’re sitting in an exit row and she’s simply too young to carry out the responsibilities required of her.”

Relief, right? The flight attendant wasn’t saying anything bad about your daughter or your parenting. Simply, to no fault of her own, your daughter is too young to perform the required task for her position.

Now let me explain what this has to do with explaining to young children and their parents why they should hold off on baptism, the Lord’s Supper, and church membership until their child is older.

I’ll unfold the explanation in three steps.

STEP #1

The New Testament is clear that church membership, baptism, and the Lord’s Supper all go together. In other words, the person who participates in one should participate in the other two, and the person who isn’t ready for one isn’t yet ready for the other two.

Baptism brings someone into church membership (Matthew 28:19–20, Acts 2:41). The Lord’s Supper maintains that membership (1 Corinthians 10:16–17). This explains why there’s no New Testament category for someone who is baptized, but not a church member—or someone who’s a member, but isn’t taking the Lord’s Supper. All three go together.

STEP #2

The New Testament gives a single, one-size-fits-all description of church membership. There’s no female membership vs. male membership. There’s no Gentile membership vs. Jewish membership. There is no slave membership vs. free membership. And there’s no young children membership vs. adult membership.

There is, simply put, “membership.” And here’s the rub: New Testament membership includes tasks that are an unnatural fit for children. For example:

Submission to elders (Hebrews 13:17, 1 Peter 5:1-2)[1],
participation in the church discipline process wherein someone not only submits his own life and doctrine for congregational oversight (which can always lead to excommunication), but where he’s expected to be part of this process for others (which oftentimes requires hearing a certain degree of detail about these situations)
participation in the more common situation wherein a member is commanded to point out sin to another member (Galatians 6:1, 1 Thessalonians 5:14).
These tasks and more are commanded by the New Testament for all church members.

STEP #3

Therefore, if someone isn’t yet ready for the New Testament’s understanding of church membership, then they’re also not ready for baptism or the Lord’s Supper.

So, pastor, when a set of parents wants their child to be baptized or to receive the Lord’s Supper, don’t put the parents in the position of having to defend their child (the same way you’d have defended your daughter to a flight attendant). Instead, go the church membership route.

Along that route, you simply don’t have to make any judgment about their child’s relationship with Jesus. You don’t have to make a judgment about his or her spiritual maturity or love for the church. All you’re saying is that he or she is simply too young to carry out the responsibilities required of church members in the New Testament.

My flock is small, and I’ve only been pastoring for four years. But I hope you’ll find this approach to be as helpful as I have. If you approach the conversation with pastoral care and patience, then it’s likely families will come to the same conclusion as you.

FOOTNOTE:

[1] Notice that, even though the Lord loves the way he’s set up the family where the husband is in charge of the household and the husband and wife are in charge of the children, he doesn’t paint a picture where pastoral care for certain members is mediated through a husband or father. Every church member is connected to the elders with a straight line, not one that zigzags through a parent or a spouse.