Category Archives: Pastoral

Let Your Pastor’s Wife Be Herself

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Here’s an excellent article by Melissa Edgington that every member of a congregation should read. Lets set the bar high in loving our pastors wives well! (original source here)

Let Your Pastor’s Wife Be Herself

Every year since Chad became a pastor, we have hosted a Christmas open house in our home. I love decorating for Christmas, and I like to deck out the house and have our friends over for a fun night of hanging out and eating delicious food. Tonight is the night, and I am so looking forward to throwing open the doors and welcoming our community in.

But, I have a scandalous pastor’s wife secret: I am not baking a single thing. I’m not making punch. I’m not diving into my trusty recipe box and planning a menu. I didn’t even clean my own floors. Instead, I’m writing. I’m listening to sermons. I’m composing a talk that I’m going to deliver to a women’s group in a neighboring town. I’m wrapping gifts in paper that coordinates with my Christmas trees. I’m sending my kids off on field trips at crazy hours of the morning. I’m attending the senior adult Christmas lunch (which I am not cooking). I’m plotting with the kindergarten teacher about Christmas fun next week at school.

And our church seems to be okay with all of this. When we first came here I didn’t offer any illusions that I am a great cook or a great housekeeper or the ultimate hostess. Our amazing church secretary can prepare a meal for 250 people without batting an eye, but I break out in hives at the thought. Yet, our church members continue to encourage me in the things that I do well, in the things that I enjoy and have giftings for.

I can’t tell you what a difference that makes.

Everyone has expectations of their pastor’s wife. I’m not saying we shouldn’t have any. We should expect the pastor’s wife to be kind, spiritually-minded, and invested in her church family. But we also have to remember that every pastor’s wife has her own unique interests and talents, and she should have the freedom to minister in ways that line up with her strengths. Not all pastors’ wives are great communicators or great cooks or great decorators. Some prefer to quietly minister in the background, talking with people one on one, sending cards or texts, washing dishes in the kitchen, noticing needs that others may overlook. If your pastor’s wife is reserved and seems a little withdrawn, give her the benefit of the doubt. Assume that she is ministering in her own ways through personal contact that isn’t in the forefront. Assume that her prayers can move mountains. Assume the best of her, and pray for her to find her own ways to work alongside her husband in the mission of the church.

If your pastor’s wife is loud and boisterous and fun and tends to say things she will later regret, have grace for her. Assume that her outgoing personality draws people to her and to the church. Assume that her ability to talk to people helps her love them well. Assume that she is hearing stories in her conversations that need to be told, and that she is bringing outsiders into her circle with her extroverted ways.

And if your pastor’s wife doesn’t cook or doesn’t often have people over, if she is not interested in decorating or in fashion or in crafting or in whatever it is that you think a pastor’s wife should do, then give her the space to be herself. God calls pastors’ wives into ministry just like He calls pastors. And He uniquely gifts them to do the work He would have them do. Your pastor’s wife may not look or act or be exactly like you expected, but she will be much more likely to flourish in her role if you assume the best of her, if you pray for her instead of criticize.

Above all, please remember that your pastor’s wife is human. She will make terrible mistakes. She will say stupid things. She will have days when she is selfish and self-centered. She will go into spiritual slumps. I know because I do all of this and more. But, one thing that keeps bringing me back to a biblical focus is the grace and goodness of the church of Jesus Christ. This family loves me well and puts up with my quirks and my moods and my weaknesses. And they don’t even seem to care that I can’t cook to save my life. What a blessing. What a love. Be that church member that commits to supporting your pastor’s wife in her uniqueness. It will bless her more than you know.

How can I best support my pastor?

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The Ascended Christ has given gifts to men (Eph. 4:11,12), one of these gifts being the pastor/teacher. Pastors are given the assignment of leading, feeding and caring for the sheep, as well as fending off wolves who would seek to devour them.

Every Pastor is very human. As the saying goes, “the best of men are men at best.” Some things encourage them greatly, while other things are definitely hard to deal with. A pastor must always remember Whom he is most trying to please – that being, God Himself. He must please the Audience of One. While he wishes all to be happy as the local Church moves forward in the Lord, in the final analysis, if God is pleased, it does not matter who is displeased. Conversely, if God is displeased, it does not matter who is pleased. A Pastor lives, eats, sleeps and breathes to see a people formed who want that also – the will of the Chief Shepherd in their lives.

With this in mind, Dr. Ligon Duncan answers the question, “how can I as a Church member best support my pastor?”:

She’s Not Real

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Written some years back, this article still has relevance:

Porn and paper pastors by Dan Phillips

Decades ago, I read a disturbingly candid essay by a pastor about his struggles with pornography. It was in Leadership magazine. Years later, two of his realizations still stand out to me.

The author came to see (as I recall) that he was attracted to these images because they were unreal. The women in the pictures never had bad days, were never crabby and demanding, never disrespectful and demeaning. No mood swings. They always suited his mood, his needs, his wants. They were unreal.

He came to see that he had no actual relationship with these women whatever. If (he named a female celebrity) had sat down next to him in an airplane, she wouldn’t know him from Adam. Whatever may have happened in his sinful fantasies, the two of them had no relationship in the real world.

Of course, this is why so many women resent actresses and models. It isn’t catty pettiness or smallness. It is that they know how visually-tempted men can be, and they know that they can’t compete with a fantasy — if their man is fool enough to chase one.

And they’re right, in a way. They can’t compete with these women. Because these women don’t exist in the real world! They may not even look like their pictures! Thanks to computer wizardry, the pictures we see may actually bear only the slightest resemblance to the actual women.

Nobody can compete with a fantasy.

And this post is not about pornography, men, women, nor marriage.

It is about people with paper pastors.

Now, some professed Christians sin outright, by never physically attending an actual, in-person church. We’ve talked about that, and they aren’t our focus.

But others do attend a church — physically. They come in, they sit down. They sing, they may give financially. They may look at you, Pastor, as you preach.

But you know their heart belongs to another.

Their real pastor isn’t you. It’s Dave Hunt. Or it’s John Piper. Or it’s John MacArthur, or Ligon Duncan, or Mark Dever, or David Cloud, or Joel Osteen. Or it’s Charles Spurgeon, or D. M. Lloyd-Jones, or J. C. Ryle. Or Calvin, or Luther, or Bahnsen, or de Mar, or R. B. Thieme (Jr.), or J. Vernon McGee.

And they’re such better pastors than you are! You know they are!

Why? Continue reading →