Pastoral Etiquette

Etiquette: a code of behavior that delineates expectations for social behavior according to contemporary conventional norms within a society, social class, or group.

I am currently doing some pre-marriage counseling with a couple. This morning I received this e-mail from the gentleman (names have been changed):

Hi Pastor John,

I have a request to pass to you from my fiance Dorothy. Feel free to decline if you are not completely comfortable. But, there is a married couple we know who are interested in receiving counseling with you. I am sure it is because Dorothy speaks of your help with such glowing praise! So, please let me know how to proceed, and again, please don’t feel obligated.

Hope you have a great day.

Clive

This was my reply:

Hi Clive,

Good to hear from you. I am so glad you and Dorothy are still enjoying the pre-marriage sessions and finding them useful.

Regarding the couple, may I ask if they are Christians and are part of a local Church? I ask this question because as a pastor (rather than merely a counselor) I am very sensitive in making sure that anything I do is never perceived in any way as what some call “sheep stealing.” That is when an individual or couple who are part of a local church assembly are prized away from the care of that leadership by an over zealous pastor. I know many pastors dont feel this kind of sensitivity in our day, but I feel it is very much like someone under the care of a doctor is encouraged by another doctor to be treated by them. Such a thing is not only extremely poor etiquette on the part of the doctor, but it may very well be illegal. It should never occur.

While meeting with me for marriage advice would not be a legal issue, I still feel the same principle of etiquette would apply and am very sensitive about this. I realise that I am more sensitive than most pastors on this issue. If the couple are part of a local Church, I would only wish to meet with them when there is full agreement between the couple and their local Church elders and that the elders give the go-ahead. If the couple are not under the care of local Church leadership, that is a very different matter. For instance, I was happy to meet with you and Dorothy because we have known each other for years and secondly, I knew you were not specifically under the care of local Church leadership.

Am I making sense?

Pastor John

The Hardest Thing About Being a Shepherd

Dr. R. C. Sproul, Jr., in a short article entitled “Ravenous Sheep” writes:

I had already failed my first test in becoming a gentleman farmer. Three years and roughly 200 chickens produced eggs for my family at a rate of roughly $1… each. A few years had passed though since my experiment in folly, and I was ready to try again. I purchased three recently weaned lambs, set up portable fencing on my land and became a shepherd.

Things went rather smoothly, until they didn’t. Two weeks into the experiment I looked out into my field and saw a third of the fencing was down. I raced outside to find two of the lambs safe and content, still eating grass. The third also had not run off. No, she had managed to turn the downed fence into a straight jacket. She had gotten herself hopelessly entangled, was on her side and kicking about wildly, tangling herself all the more. I remember grabbing one of the rubber “posts” and pushing the pointed metal end into the lamb’s side, trying to pin her down so I could begin to untangle her. She just kicked all the more. I was sweating, frustrated, and a smidge frightened, and screamed to this little one, my voice echoing across the valley, “Be still. I’m trying to help you.” That’s when I learned what it means to be a shepherd.

Most of us have a rather distorted, city-fied understanding of sheep. We remember from Sunday School that picture of Jesus, smiling as He carried that smiling lamb, the one, over His broad shoulders back to the 99. We never stopped to ask how that one managed to get so far away.

Now the world is full of failed shepherds. Some fail by confusing shepherding with bullying. Most fail by being hirelings, by just not caring. There is, however, a reason why sheep need shepherds, on earth, flesh and blood shepherds. Because sheep are sinners too. They don’t just wander off out of ignorance. They jump over fences to get at what has been forbidden them. They close their ears to the voice of the Master and follow their own downward path. They hide when they sense a shepherd has come for them. And when cornered they will hiss, bite and kick. Worse still, so often after being carried back to the flock they run off again. Some are so anti-shepherd it’s hard to tell if they’re even sheep at all.

Whenever I am blessed to visit another’s pulpit I always try to work this nugget into my address. I tell the gathered saints- “The hardest thing about being a pastor is not being poorly paid. If that needs to be fixed and you can, please do. The hardest thing about being a pastor isn’t the long hours. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t call when you are in the emergency room. It does mean if you have a theological question at 9:30 Saturday night, try to wait until after Sunday service to ask. The hardest thing isn’t the lack of respect in the church and the world over his calling. If you can help there, please do. The hardest thing about being a pastor is the pain of watching the sheep you love banging their heads against the wall until their wool is like scarlet.” The hardest thing about being a shepherd is the pain of loving the sheep.

This, though, is the calling of the shepherd. Jesus repeatedly told Peter the implication of his love for Him- feed, tend, feed His sheep. He didn’t say the sheep would joyfully receive their food. He didn’t say they would return the shepherd’s love. He didn’t say they would run to you joyfully when you call them. He said to tend them, and to feed them, to love them. Feed them the Word. Love them. And know that the Great Shepherd of the sheep promises to turn the bloodiest of fleece into the whitest of wool, for them, and for you.

A Challenging Suggestion

Back in 2009 Ligonier Ministries hosted a Conference for Pastors and Leaders called “Pillars of the Christian Faith.” It was described in the following way:

“While always initiated and empowered by the work of the Holy Spirit, history tells us that the most powerful periods of church renewal and reformation follow the efforts of Christian leaders to teach the Word of God accurately. These gifted teachers held in common a solid grounding in the essential truths of the prophetic and apostolic writings, the foundation upon which Christ builds His church. Christian leaders today must likewise be established in these biblical truths if the church would enjoy a new reformation.

In Ligonier Ministries’ 2009 Ministry Leadership Conference, “Pillars of the Christian Faith,” Ligon Duncan, Sinclair Ferguson, Steven Lawson, and R.C. Sproul seek to equip you for effective, biblical leadership based upon the essential truths of the Christian faith.”

The sessions were as follows:

1. Creation and Providence (Sproul)
2. Our Sovereign God (Lawson)
3. Thy Word is Truth (Ferguson)
4. Questions and Answers
5. The Word became Flesh (Duncan)
6. The Holy Spirit (Ferguson)
7. Created in God’s Image (Duncan)
8. Cosmic Treason (Sproul)
9. Saved by Grace (Lawson)
10. Vespers Service – The Gospel of Reconciliation (Ferguson)
11. The Church and Sacraments (Duncan)
12. The Last Things (Ferguson)

You can now watch the entire conference for free. What a gift this is!

Over the next couple of weeks, (as difficult as it may be amidst your busy schedule) may I make a suggestion that you carve out an hour to sit with your Bible, notebook and pen and watch one of these sessions each day?

I would also encourage you to allow for time to reflect on the truth you hear and to pray that it may effect both change, new focus and refreshing of vision in your heart, life, and ministry to others. I suggest this because I believe your soul will be greatly enriched by this process, just as mine has been.

If you willing (and able) to take on this challenge here’s the link.

May God richly bless you and empower you for all He has called you to do. – John