Complementarian Decision-Making as a Couple

In this and some of the key distortions that need to be avoided:

In our own marriage, Margaret and I talk frequently and at length about many decisions. I can tell you that I wouldn’t be here tonight unless Margaret and I had talked about this and asked the Lord about it, and she had given blessing to it, and said, “Yes, I think that’s right.” Sometimes we make large decisions such as buying a house or a car, and sometimes they are small decisions like where we should go for a walk together. I often defer to Margaret’s wishes, and she often defers to mine because we love each other.

In almost every case, each of us has some wisdom and insight that the other does not have. Usually, we reach agreement on the decisions that we make. Very seldom will I do something that she doesn’t think is wise–I didn’t say never. She prays; she trusts God; she loves God. She is sensitive to God’s leading and direction, but in every decision, whether it large or small and whether we have reached agreement or not, the responsibility to make the decision still rests with me.

Now, I am not talking about every decision they make individually. Margaret controls a much larger portion of our budget than I do because all the things having to do with the household and food and clothing and house expenses and everything . . . she writes the checks and pays the bills. I take care of buying books and some things about the car. I have appointments during the day with students. She doesn’t get involved in that. She has her own appointments. She has her own calendar. I don’t get involved in trying to micromanage all of that. We have distinct areas of responsibility. I am not talking about those things. I don’t get involved in those things unless she asks my counsel.

But in every decision that we make that affects us together or affects our family, the responsibility to make the decision rests with me. If there is genuine male headship, I believe there is a quiet acknowledgement that the focus of the decision making process is the husband, not the wife. Even though there will often be much discussion and there should be mutual respect and consideration of each other, ultimately the responsibility to make the decision rests with the husband. And so, in our marriage the responsibility to make the decision rests with me.

This is not because I am a wiser or more gifted leader. It is because I am the husband. God has given me that responsibility. It is very good. It brings peace and joy to our marriage, and both Margaret and I are thankful for it. Now, I need to add very quickly, men, this does not mean that a husband has the right to be a selfish leader.

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My partner and I have promised to follow biblical principles of marriage. Why should we participate in a public wedding ceremony? Why is it that our promise to each other is not acceptable?

R. C. Sproul – Because there are not any witnesses. You do not have private covenants in the Bible. Marriage is a covenant and a covenant relationship involves making promises and not making them in the back seat of a car. They are made with public witnesses.

In the traditional wedding ceremony, most start off, “Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today in the Presence of God and of these witnesses, to unite this man and this woman in the sacred bond of matrimony” and so on.

What happens on that occasion (which is public, that makes it more than just a piece of paper) is that I have made a commitment to that woman, out loud, in front of every authority structure of my life – in front of my family, in front of her family, in front of the Church, in front of the civil magistrate, and in front of my friends. And if I break that vow, its possible that my friends won’t take it seriously, and its possible that my family won’t take it seriously, its possible that the Church won’t take it seriously, and its even possible nowadays that the State won’t take it seriously; but you’d better believe that God is going to take it seriously.

But this idea of a private covenant – just is not done in Scripture. There always has to be some kind of witness to the covenant and some kind of document or treaty.

Why was the Ten Commandments written in stone and placed in the ark of the covenant?

Because they are the stipulations of the covenant that God makes with Israel, when He unites in marriage to His people.

This is part of the absolute fall out of the radical secularization of marriage in our culture. You are kidding yourself if you think you have a marriage that is private promises.

A transcript from a Question and Answer Session at the Ligonier Ministries National Conference, Bought with a Price, Orlando, 2006