Article: 6 Surprises Every Premarital Counselor Should Cover by Dave Harvey, president of Sojourn Network, teaching pastor at Summit Church in Fort Myers/Naples, Florida, and founder of AmICalled.com. He has also authored several books, including When Sinners Say I Do: Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage (Shepherd’s Press, 2007), and Letting Go: Rugged Love for Wayward Souls (Zondervan, 2016) with Paul Gilbert.

Kimm and I had one premarital session before our wedding. It lasted maybe five minutes, just long enough for the well-meaning counselor to hand us a crate of cassettes and urge us to listen. We threw them in the trunk. One day, nine months later, he wanted them back. Not a problem, since they were right where I left them—in the trunk, unopened and unused. It’s frightening to think how unprepared we were for marriage. I don’t blame our counselor. I’m not sure he had premarital counseling either. But as I reflect back on the last 35 years, there have been a few surprises it would have been helpful to know about.

Here are six surprises I believe every pastor or premarital counselor should cover:

1. The Sin Surprise 

Engagement is like walking through an amusement park with fogged-up glasses. There’s so much you don’t see clearly, but who really cares? You’re having fun! Here’s the truth: Your fiancé is more sinful than you know. If his or her sin hasn’t already surprised you, get ready: it will. I’m not saying your future spouse is hiding something. You just don’t have eyes to see what’s there. This is why you should seek counsel from friends, family, and the church before a relationship gets serious.

Borrow others’ glasses to look at your loved one through their eyes. Also, be sure to talk about the “three P’s” of past sin—patterns, partners, and particulars. Don’t be unnerved by what you uncover. Your beloved is a sinner just like you. Remember: Our sin is horrific enough to require Christ’s blood to take it away. But God’s grace has power over the “sin eruptions” you couldn’t see before your wedding day. Don’t be afraid. The fallenness you uncover becomes a theater for displaying Christ’s redemption.

2. The Conflict Surprise

I thought the early years of marriage were about how Kimm needed to improve. You can guess where that led. According to marriage gurus, our early conflicts simply indicated a lack of communication skill. But the Bible says, “What causes quarrels and fights among you? Is it not your passions at war within you?” (James 4:1–2).

Fights and arguments happen when we don’t get what we desire. My early conflicts with Kimm revealed what I craved. I got angry with her, because, well, I had an entitled heart. I wanted Kimm to respect me. I thought being respected was some kind of inalienable right grounded in both Scripture and the American constitution. But it didn’t take long before I saw how a good desire can corrupt into a harmful demand.

I thought each biblical command for my wife revealed a need in me and a right I possessed. But I came to see this takes God out of the picture—and puts me in his place. Sure, a respectful wife contributes to marital harmony. But God’s commands for Kimm exist to help her grow in love for him. They weren’t given for me to manipulate to my own ends.

3. The ‘Slow-Change’ Surprise

Walk in a dark room and throw on the switch. What happens? The room instantly transforms. We want spiritual change the same way: Hear a passage, throw on the switch of application, and change comes within the hour. That would make sense if Christianity were a vending machine. Put in your quarters and wait for the sanctification soda.

But God orders the pace of change according to factors we can’t see. Sometimes he gives it slowly to humble us. This reminds us we aren’t him. Sometimes he gives change slowly to tutor our spouse in patience, love, and mercy. When two people are yoked together, God’s growth of one always has the other’s soul in view. Demanding immediate change in a new spouse is a great way to introduce other problems into the marriage.

Since change takes time, we must help young couples cultivate confidence in the good news, lest they be tempted to grow weary or angry. The gospel has appeared, and it teaches us to live upright and godly lives while we wait for Christ’s appearing (Titus 2:11–13). The change Christ will bring is worth the wait.

4. The Sex Surprise

Here’s the sex surprise. You get married with a Disney mindset. You expect it’ll all happen perfectly, and you’ll live happily ever after. But sex is unpredictable. Some discover their bodies were made to be intertwined, and the honeymoon begins a life of sexual adventure. They’re surprised it works so well; it was meant to be. But for many, sex is far harder than they imagined—whether it’s the past, physical pain, inhibitions and shame, difficulty finding a rhythm, or the cloud of sexual abuse.

You’re surprised the marriage bed requires so much assembly—so much commitment and work. For many Christians, sex is “meh.” In the first century, Paul had to talk to the Corinthian church about sexual misunderstandings and expectations (1 Cor. 7:3–5). Life hasn’t changed much since. It’s a surprising reality young couples need to be prepared for.

5. The Parents/In-Laws Surprise

Marriage shuffles your relational network. No one feels it more than your parents. Jesus said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (Matt. 19:5). God designed marriage to create new families. And to start one family, you must leave another.

Typically, people reduce this to geography: “I’m moving out of my parent’s house and in with my new wife across town.” But “leaving and cleaving” also alters your parents’ authority and responsibility. Once a couple gets married, there’s a seismic shift in the parents’ role. They don’t stop being Mom and Dad, but they can’t expect to be honored the same way they were when the kids were young. How time is spent, the frequency of being together, where holidays happen, expectations for seeing grandchildren, the way counsel or opinions are shared—all of these glorious blessings must move out of the realm of expectation and into the realm of collaboration.

6. The ‘Forgiveness Is Costly’ Surprise

“Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea,” C. S. Lewis observed, “until they have something to forgive.” Perhaps the most painful and courageous part of forgiveness is when we must absorb the cost of a spouse’s sin. The pain of being sinned against doesn’t go away quickly. Words spoken, money lost, vows broken—these pains get stuck on “repeat.”

Heartache and mental anguish can break into your mind unannounced. It creeps up when you’re down and can greet you the moment you wake. But biblical forgiveness absorbs at least two costs. First, a spouse must say, “I’m not going to punish you.” There’s not a person among us who hasn’t mentally prosecuted a spouse and delivered the verdict spoken by the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18:28: “Pay what you owe!” But for forgiveness to happen, we must deny our instinct to throttle a debtor and release him or her from punishment.

Second, we must say, “I will pay the debt for this sin instead.” Debt doesn’t just mysteriously evaporate. If I loan you $10 and you refuse to pay, the money doesn’t magically appear back in my wallet. Someone has to eat it. This often trips up reconciliation. We want to forgive, but we assume it shouldn’t cost us. We feel that sheer willingness to not retaliate is sufficient. We instinctively react to the injustice of absorbing a debt: “You did it! Now I pick up the tab?” To treat our spouse as their sin deserves (with anger, withdrawal, or emotional punishment) seems more fair and equitable. But when you do this, you’ve forgotten just how much you’ve already been forgiven. You’ve forgotten the debt Christ paid for you. You were forgiven a great debt. Marriage often means doing the same.

Remove the Blinders

Many young couples head into marriage with blinders—believing their marriage will be the fairy tale they dreamed of as they planned a Pinterest ceremony and momentous honeymoon. But the truth is marriage reveals our sin, exposes our desires, challenges our relational network, and requires us to regularly practice costly forgiveness. Engaged folk need to know that marriage is a call to ministry where two sinners learn—till death parts them—how to apply the gospel of grace.

If you’re a pastor or premarital counselor, tell them about the surprises that marriage will inevitably spring. It will prepare them for the greater wonder of how Jesus works through broken people to reveal his matchless love (Eph. 5:31–32).

These 10 issues are drawn from Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage by Jim Newheiser. (original source of this article found here)

Some people get married too soon. After love at first sight and a whirlwind romance, they quickly plan a wedding, exchange rings, and settle into a marriage that soon turns sour. So much pain can be avoided by working through issues before that wedding day. While courtship and engagement is, of course, the time to plan a wedding, it is also the time to plan a marriage. Here, drawn from the work of Jim Newheiser, is a list of issues to work through before you get married.

Are you both in love with the gospel, and is it impacting your lives? This is, of course, the most foundational question of all. Are you a Christian? And is your future spouse a Christian? Are you both confessing your sins before God and one another? Are you both extending and receiving forgiveness? Do not marry anyone until you are convinced he or she is a Christian; do not marry a Christian until you are convinced that you, too, are a believer.

Do you respect each other’s character? Having been convinced that your future spouse is a believer, are you also able to respect their character? Does that person have the kind of character that will be a blessing to you throughout your marriage? These will be issues of leadership and submission as well as issues of parenting, working, temper, and much else. In short, is this person displaying mature and maturing Christian character?

Do you have compatible life goals? Do you and your future spouse have similar goals for the future? Are you both committed to foreign missions, for example, or just one of you? Are you both eager to begin a family, or just one? Do you know how many children you each want to have and when you’d like to begin having them? How about the type and level of your commitment to the local church? Do not assume that you both have the same or even similar life goals. Talk!

How do you function together in group settings? While much of married life will be lived in relative isolation, much will also be lived in community. For this reason it is important to consider how your future spouse behaves in public and how the two of you behave together. How do the two of you work together in public? Are you both meeting people and making friends? Is one of you content to be alone and isolated? Does your future spouse have close friendships or have many of his or her former friends become isolated? Continue reading →

By Rachel Zwayne (original source here)

Rachel Zwayne was born and raised in New Zealand. At the age of 14, her father’s ministry (Ray Comfort/ Living Waters) relocated to southern California, where she eventually met her husband and became the mother of five children. Rachel has been homeschooling for the past 15 years and finds great delight in encouraging other women in their role as mothers, wives, and homeschoolers. She has done this in her capacity as a leader and teacher of multiple women’s groups. Rachel has been married to Emeal (“E.Z.”) for 21 years and they live in Riverside, California with their three daughters and two sons.

I have now graduated two of my five, wonderful, homeschool students, and with each year that passes, my heart is filled with more and more gratitude for the privilege of educating my children at home. But as every homeschool mother knows, amidst all of the joy and delight that we are blessed to experience, homeschooling has plenty of challenges along the way.

One of these challenges is making sure that your relationship with your husband gets more focus than all the other responsibilities that are constantly vying for your attention. John MacArthur reminds us that “Contrary to popular opinion, the most important characteristic of a godly mother is her relationship, not with her children, but with her husband. What you communicate to your children through your marital relationship will stay with them for the rest of their lives. By watching you and your husband, they are learning the most fundamental lessons of life-love, self-sacrifice, integrity, virtue, sin, sympathy, compassion, understanding, and forgiveness. Whatever you teach them about those things, right or wrong, is planted deep within their hearts.” Your relationship with your husband must be a priority to you, even when life gets chaotic and overwhelming.

Proverbs 31 Woman?
When things are going smoothly—the baby is sleeping through the night, the older children are actually learning how to love each other, academics are a breeze, everyone is healthy, and finances look great, it’s definitely not a problem to love on and serve your husband. When he arrives home from work, he’s greeted with a tidy house, happy children, the laundry done, his requests taken care of, and a hot meal on the table. These are the seasons of life when we feel like we might actually be somewhat close to being a “Proverbs 31 woman.”

But then there are those days that are all too familiar to a homeschool wife: The baby screamed every time you put her down. Five different children had “math meltdowns.” Your toddler decided he’s not potty-trained anymore. The morning devotion on “loving one another” basically had about a 15-second impact on your bickering children. You forgot about dinner on the stove (because you got caught up trying to finally get that science experiment to actually work), and now the dog won’t even eat it. And you didn’t have a moment to brush your hair, let alone take a shower. By the time your husband walks through the door, you’re not sure if it is humanly possible for you to live until the kids’ bedtime.

One of “Those” Days
These types of challenging days are extremely frequent for homeschool mothers, so what’s a woman to do in regard to prioritizing her marriage in these times? When you encounter one of “those” days once again, and you feel that you don’t have an ounce of energy to give an ounce of ANYTHING to your husband, remember this encouraging truth: “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24). Use your words to serve your husband! Your mouth is still in working order and you can use it to speak words of hope, encouragement, and joy.

When a husband has a wife who finds joy in her God, and words of hope and encouragement flow off her tongue, it brings great refreshment to his soul. Your life-giving words can and will put wind in your husband’s sails. Proverbs 15:23 says, “A man has joy by the answer of his mouth, and a word spoken in due season, how good it is!” Encouraging words are truly a balm to the soul. Choose to glorify the Lord in this beautiful way in the life of your husband:

• Speak of the hope that you have in Christ even though your day was rough
• Talk of the hope that you have for your family and how the Lord is at work in all of you
• Express how blessed you are by your life regardless of the many challenges in your day
• Convey with optimism what the next day holds for you
• Even through tears, verbalize that you are trusting in God’s sovereignty in your trials
• Ask him how his day was and find out what he needs prayer for
• Encourage him with the things that you love about his character
• Tell him how much you admire him for how he provides for your family
• Remind him how handsome and strong he is
• Share Scripture and things you have been encouraged by in your time with the Lord
• Express delight at his arrival
• Share any events of the day that you can find humor in and laugh about together
• Verbalize a lightheartedness about life
• Communicate the things you are thankful for and what brings you joy Continue reading →

Dr. Joel Beeke – Part 1:

Part 2:

Part 3:

Nurturing Sexual Intimacy in Marriage (2016 GPTS Spring Conference)

Article – The Basis of a Christian Marriage by R.C. Sproul (original source I attended an interesting wedding. I was especially struck by the creativity of the ceremony. The bride and the groom had brainstormed with the pastor in order to insert new and exciting elements into the service, and I enjoyed those elements. However, in the middle of the ceremony, they included portions of the traditional, classic wedding ceremony. When I began to hear the words from the traditional ceremony, my attention perked up and I was moved. I remember thinking, “There is no way to improve on this because the words are so beautiful and meaningful.” A great deal of thought and care had been put into those old, familiar words.

Today, of course, many young people not only are saying no to the traditional wedding ceremony, they are rejecting the concept of marriage itself. More and more young people are coming from broken homes, and as a result, they have a fear and suspicion about the value of marriage. So we see couples living together rather than marrying for fear that the cost of that commitment may be too much. They fear it may make them too vulnerable. This means that one of the most stable and, as we once thought, permanent traditions of our culture is being challenged.

One of the things I like most about the traditional wedding ceremony is that it includes an explanation as to why there is such a thing as marriage. We are told in that ceremony that marriage is ordained and instituted by God—that is to say, marriage did not just spring up arbitrarily out of social conventions or human taboos. Marriage was not invented by men but by God.

We see this in the earliest chapters of the Old Testament, where we find the creation account. We find that God creates in stages, beginning with the light (Gen. 1:3) and capping the process with the creation of man (v. 27). At every stage, He utters a benediction, a “good word.” God repeatedly looks at what He has made and says, “That’s good” (vv. 4, 10, 12, 18, 21, 25, 31).

But then God notices something that provokes not a benediction but what we call a malediction, that is, a “bad word.” What was this thing that God saw in His creation that He judged to be “not good”? We find it in Genesis 2:18, where God declares, “It is not good that the man should be alone.” That prompts Him to create Eve and bring her to Adam. God instituted marriage, and He did it, in the first instance, as an answer to human loneliness. For this reason, God inspired Moses to write, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (v. 24).

But while I like and appreciate the words of the traditional wedding ceremony, I believe the form of the ceremony is even more important. This is because the traditional ceremony involves the making of a covenant. The whole idea of covenant is deeply rooted in biblical Christianity. The Bible teaches that our very redemption is based on a covenant. Much could be said here about the character of the biblical covenants, but one vital facet is that none of them is a private matter. Every covenant is undertaken in the presence of witnesses. This is why we invite guests to our weddings. It is so they will witness our vows—and hold us accountable to keep them. It is one thing for a man to whisper expressions of love to a woman when no one will hear, but it is quite another thing for him to stand up in a church, in front of parents, friends, ecclesiastical or civil authorities, and God Himself, and there make promises to love and cherish her. Wedding vows are sacred promises made in the presence of witnesses who will remember them.

I believe marriage is the most precious of all human institutions. It’s also the most dangerous. Into our marriages we pour our greatest and deepest expectations. We put our emotions on the line. There we can achieve the greatest happiness, but we also can experience the greatest disappointment, the most frustration, and the most pain. With that much at stake, we need something more solemn than a casual promise.

Even with formal wedding ceremonies, even with the involvement of authority structures, roughly fifty percent of marriages fail. Sadly, among the men and women who stay together as husband and wife, many would not marry the same spouse again, but they stay together for various reasons. Something has been lost regarding the sacred and holy character of the marriage covenant. In order to strengthen the institution of marriage, we might want to consider strengthening the wedding ceremony, with a clear, biblical reminder that marriage is instituted by God and forged in His sight.