Decision Making as a Couple

Complementarian Decision-Making as a Couple

In this and some of the key distortions that need to be avoided:

In our own marriage, Margaret and I talk frequently and at length about many decisions. I can tell you that I wouldn’t be here tonight unless Margaret and I had talked about this and asked the Lord about it, and she had given blessing to it, and said, “Yes, I think that’s right.” Sometimes we make large decisions such as buying a house or a car, and sometimes they are small decisions like where we should go for a walk together. I often defer to Margaret’s wishes, and she often defers to mine because we love each other.

In almost every case, each of us has some wisdom and insight that the other does not have. Usually, we reach agreement on the decisions that we make. Very seldom will I do something that she doesn’t think is wise–I didn’t say never. She prays; she trusts God; she loves God. She is sensitive to God’s leading and direction, but in every decision, whether it large or small and whether we have reached agreement or not, the responsibility to make the decision still rests with me.

Now, I am not talking about every decision they make individually. Margaret controls a much larger portion of our budget than I do because all the things having to do with the household and food and clothing and house expenses and everything . . . she writes the checks and pays the bills. I take care of buying books and some things about the car. I have appointments during the day with students. She doesn’t get involved in that. She has her own appointments. She has her own calendar. I don’t get involved in trying to micromanage all of that. We have distinct areas of responsibility. I am not talking about those things. I don’t get involved in those things unless she asks my counsel.

But in every decision that we make that affects us together or affects our family, the responsibility to make the decision rests with me. If there is genuine male headship, I believe there is a quiet acknowledgement that the focus of the decision making process is the husband, not the wife. Even though there will often be much discussion and there should be mutual respect and consideration of each other, ultimately the responsibility to make the decision rests with the husband. And so, in our marriage the responsibility to make the decision rests with me.

This is not because I am a wiser or more gifted leader. It is because I am the husband. God has given me that responsibility. It is very good. It brings peace and joy to our marriage, and both Margaret and I are thankful for it. Now, I need to add very quickly, men, this does not mean that a husband has the right to be a selfish leader.

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Friday Round Up

(1) There’s been something of a delay at the printers but the good news is that my new book “Twelve What Abouts” should start shipping out within the next week. It is 160 pages (longer than people thought it might be) in its paperback edition. You can order it at the pre-publication sale price at the link to the right.

(2) “Satan tempts not whom he will but when God pleases. We find Christ was not led by an evil spirit into the wilderness to be tempted, but by the Holy Spirit (Matt. 4:1). And the same Holy Spirit which led Christ into the field of temptation, brought Him off with victory. Therefore we find Him marching into Galilee in the power of the Holy Spirit, after He had repulsed Satan (Luke 4:14). When Satan tempts a saint, he is only serving as God’s messenger. Paul called his thorn in the flesh, “the messenger of Satan” (II Cor. 12:7), implying that the messenger was sent of God to Paul. The devil never meant to do Paul such a service, but God sends him to Paul to accomplish His own purpose. The devil and his instruments are both God’s instruments; therefore let God alone to wield the one and handle the other.

Let the devil choose his way. God is a match for him at every weapon. If he assaults the saints by persecution, as the Lord of hosts, God will oppose him. If Satan works by a subtlety, God is ready there, also. The devil and his whole council are but fools to God. The more wit and art in sin, the worse, because it is employed against an all-wise god who cannot be outwitted. “The foolishness of God is wiser than men” (I Cor. 1:25). God is wiser in a weak sermon, than Satan is in his deep plots; wiser in His simple one, than Satan in his Ahithophels and Sanballats. “He disappointeth the devices of the crafty” (Job 5:12). God, by displaying His wisdom in the pursuit of the saints’ enemies, adds a sweet relish to their deliverance at last. After He had hunted Pharaoh out of all his lairs and burrows, He broke the very brains of all his plots and served him up to His people, as a display of His wisdom and power.” – William Gurnall (Puritan writer, died 1679)

(3) “What is needed is something that cannot be explained in human terms. What is needed is something that is so striking and so signal that it will arrest the attention of the whole world. That is revival.

Now we of ourselves can never do anything like that. We can do a great deal, and we should do all we can. We can preach the truth, we can defend it, we can indulge in our apologetics, we can organize our campaigns, we can try to present a great front to the world. But you know, it does not impress the world. It leaves the world where it was. The need is for something which will be so overwhelming, so divine, so unusual that it will arrest the attention of the world . . . .

‘Authenticate thy word. Lord God, let it be known, let it be known beyond a doubt, that we are thy people. Shake us!’ I do not ask him to shake the building, but I ask him to shake us. I ask him to do something that is so amazing, so astounding, so divine, that the whole world shall be compelled to look on and say, ‘What is this?’ as they said on the day of Pentecost.”

– Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Revival (Westchester, 1987), pages 183-185

(4) Once again, Ligonier has some excellent deals on right now in this week’s $5 Friday sale. I particularly recommend the audio book of The Truth of the Cross by R.C. Sproul (perhaps think about getting more than one as they make great gifts for Easter) as well as the “Evangelism According to Jesus” 2008 National Conference series download. Check out the $5 Ligonier sale here.

Original Sin and the Misuse of Ezekiel 18:20

When speaking of the doctrine of Original Sin, theologians are not so much referring to the first sin of Adam which was carried out in the garden of Eden, but the disastrous effects of that sin in all of his progeny. Since the time of Adam, everyone is born into this world as a sinner. As David writes in Psalm 51, “Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.” (v. 5)

In Romans chapter 5, the Apostle Paul makes the following observations:

“Through one man sin entered the world, and death through sin” (v. 12).
“By the one man’s offense many died” (v. 15).
“Through one man’s offense judgment came to all men, resulting in condemnation” (v. 18).
“By one man’s disobedience many were made sinners” (v. 19).

Dr. J.I. Packer in his book Concise Theology writes:

Scripture diagnoses sin as a universal deformity of human nature, found at every point in every person (1 Kings 8:46; Rom. 3:9-23; 7:18; 1 John 1:8-10). Both Testaments have names for it that display its ethical character as rebellion against God’s rule, missing the mark God set us to aim at, transgressing God’s law, disobeying God’s directives, offending God’s purity by defiling oneself, and incurring guilt before God the Judge. This moral deformity is dynamic: sin stands revealed as an energy of irrational, negative, and rebellious reaction to God’s call and command, a spirit of fighting God in order to play God. The root of sin is pride and enmity against God, the spirit seen in Adam’s first transgression; and sinful acts always have behind them thoughts, motives, and desires that one way or another express the willful opposition of the fallen heart to God’s claims on our lives.

Sin may be comprehensively defined as lack of conformity to the law of God in act, habit, attitude, outlook, disposition, motivation, and mode of existence…

Original sin, meaning sin derived from our origin, is not a biblical phrase (Augustine coined it), but it is one that brings into fruitful focus the reality of sin in our spiritual system. The assertion of original sin means not that sin belongs to human nature as God made it (God made mankind upright, Eccles. 7:29), nor that sin is involved in the processes of reproduction and birth (the uncleanness connected with menstruation, semen, and childbirth in Leviticus 12 and 15 was typical and ceremonial only, not moral and real), but that (a) sinfulness marks everyone from birth, and is there in the form of a motivationally twisted heart, prior to any actual sins; (b) this inner sinfulness is the root and source of all actual sins; (c) it derives to us in a real though mysterious way from Adam, our first representative before God. The assertion of original sin makes the point that we are not sinners because we sin, but rather we sin because we are sinners, born with a nature enslaved to sin.

The phrase total depravity is commonly used to make explicit the implications of original sin. It signifies a corruption of our moral and spiritual nature that is total not in degree (for no one is as bad as he or she might be) but in extent. It declares that no part of us is untouched by sin, and therefore no action of ours is as good as it should be, and consequently nothing in us or about us ever appears meritorious in God’s eyes. We cannot earn God’s favor, no matter what we do; unless grace saves us, we are lost…

Dr. R. C. Sproul has commented, “There is no way to avoid the obvious teaching of Scripture that Adam’s sin had dreadful consequences for his descendents. It is precisely because of the abundance of such biblical statements that virtually every Christian body has composed some doctrine of original sin linked to the fall of Adam.”

Concerning this doctrine, a brief post at the Ligonier website reads:

Original sin has to do with the fallenness of human nature. Jonathan Edwards wrote a tremendous treatise on original sin. He not only devoted himself to a lengthy exposition of what the Bible teaches about man’s fallen character and his propensity toward wickedness, but he made a study from a secular, rational perspective that addressed the philosophy that was widespread in his day: Everyone in the world is born innocent, in a state of moral neutrality in which they don’t have any predilection toward either the good or the evil. It’s society that corrupts these innocent natives, so to speak. As we are exposed to sinful behavior around us, our normal, natural innocence is eroded by the influence of society. But that begs the question, How did society get corrupt in the first place? Society is people. Why is it that so many people have sinned? It’s almost axiomatic in our culture that nobody is perfect. And Edwards asked questions like, Why not? If everyone were born in a state of moral neutrality, you would expect statistically that approximately 50 percent of those people would grow up and never sin. But that’s not what we find. Everywhere we find human beings acting against the moral precepts and standards of the New Testament. In fact, whatever the moral standards are of the culture in which they live, nobody keeps them perfectly. Even the honor that’s established among thieves is violated by thieves. No matter how low the level of morality is in a given society, people break it.

So there is something indubitable about the fallenness of our human character. All people sin.

The doctrine of original sin teaches that people sin because we are sinners. It’s not that we are sinners because we sin, but rather, we sin because we are sinners; that is, since the fall of man, we have inherited a corrupted condition of sinfulness. We now have a sin nature. The New Testament says we are under sin; we have a disposition toward wickedness, so that we all do, in fact, commit sins because it is our nature to commit sins. But that’s not the nature that was originally given to us by God. We were originally innocent, but now the race has been plummeted into a state of corruption.

Elsewhere on the same site, we read this question and answer:
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