Joel R. Beeke wrote the following. He is president and professor of systematic theology and homiletics at Puritan Reformed Theological Seminary and pastor of the Heritage Netherlands Reformed Congregation in Grand Rapids, MI. He has authored, co-authored, and edited over 70 books, including Friends and Lovers: Cultivating Companionship and Intimacy in Marriage.
What if your pastor told you that it was a sin to have sex with your spouse on Sundays, on the three days before taking the Lord’s Supper, and during the forty days before Easter? That’s what Christians were hearing in the Middle Ages.
Fast forward several hundred years to a town in seventeenth-century England. A popular book by a Puritan pastor is given to couples at their weddings. It says something like this:
“One of the best ways to keep your marriage safe from adultery—next to reverence for God and always thinking about Him—is that husbands and wives both really enjoy each other. Keep a pure love going between the two of you, making love to each other regularly. The Bible tells us that sex between husbands and wives is a good and holy gift from God to keep us safe from sin. In fact, we owe it to each other as debt of kindness, and it’s one of the most proper and basic acts of married life.”
What happened? How did the church go from frowning on marital intimacy to blessing it? What happened was the Reformation, a massive return to the Word of God. The Holy Spirit moved many people to turn away from bad traditions to get back to the pure teachings of the Bible, which strongly affirm intimacy between husband and wife.
Of course, real intimacy is far more than the conjunction of bodies. It is the fellowship of souls. Sex is not an athletic performance, but part of a relationship. Even when physical problems make sex impossible, couples can still enjoy sweet intimacy. Intimacy in marriage arises from being best friends. To paraphrase another Puritan writer:
“It’s a mercy to have a faithful friend who really loves you. You can open your heart and share your life with such a trustworthy spouse. He or she is there for you, ready to support you. You can share the burdens of family and work, and comfort each other in the sad times. What a blessing to have a life companion who shares your joys and sorrows every day!”
After decades of studying the Bible and reading the Reformers and Puritans, I have distilled out a dozen principles for couples in my book, Friends and Lovers: Cultivating Companionship and Intimacy in Marriage. The first part of the book guides you in how to build a sweet friendship with your spouse. The second part aims to fan into flame your sexual intimacy. All of it stands upon the Scriptures, especially the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
May God bless your marriage so that you can look at your spouse and say, “This is my lover, and this is my friend!”